Understanding Love and Relationships: Insights from a Therapist #

A therapist with extensive experience working with couples across more than 40 countries has shared insights on love, relationships, and what makes couples tick. Here are some key takeaways from her research and observations:

The Concept of Emergent Love #

The therapist proposes a new model called “emergent love,” which requires certain ingredients for love to emerge and thrive. She compares it to a fire that needs specific elements to burn and provide warmth.

Six Ingredients of Emergent Love: #

Mutual attraction
Trust
Respect
Compassion
Shared vision
Loving behavior

Types of Couple Configurations #

The therapist identifies several common types of couple configurations:

Contemporary Couple: Preserves individual identities with a shared space between partners. Focuses on fairness and balance in resource allocation.
Leftover Couple: Prioritizes individuality, with the relationship receiving whatever resources are left over.
Submerged Couple: Low levels of autonomy, identifying strongly as one half of a couple. Risk of codependency.
Emergent Couple: Independent entities in an interdependent partnership with healthy boundaries. The ideal configuration.

Maintaining Emergent Love #

To maintain an emergent love status, couples should practice daily, weekly, monthly, and annual rituals. One example is the daily “oy and joy” check-in, where partners share something challenging and something positive from their day.

Sexual Chemistry vs. Sexual Harmony #

While sexual chemistry is an initial spark, sexual harmony is developed over time through mutual awareness, learning, and attunement. Sexual harmony allows for continuous growth and enjoyment in a couple’s intimate life.

The therapist emphasizes that understanding these concepts and working on the ingredients of emergent love can help couples build and maintain strong, fulfilling relationships over time.